just when i thought i said all i could say.

1. i love the Jonas Brothers.
2. McDonald's is GREAT & the haters can suck it.
3. i have tanorexia & it might be the death of me.
4. whenever i hear the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus i smile so big it's out of this world.
5. ranch is good on EVERYTHING. yes, everything.
6. i'm really good at pretending to be busy. that's why i'm still employed.
7. i have an addictive personality. my current drug of choice: Kitten Jump!
8. i sleep with my macbook/iPhone like it's a person.
9. i eat my feelings.
10. the only thing cool about me is my bomb tasting cupcakes






these are my confesssiiionnnsssss.

vent.

i have a tendency to hold things in.
i keep my feelings bottled up inside me until one day i just EXPLODE.
i've been doing this recently.


i get really frustrated when i feel like i put forth effort
& get nothing in return.
i do everything i can to make the people i love happy,
but when it comes to doing the same for me, i get short-changed.


lately, i've been feeling down on myself.
-i'm going to school for something i couldn't care less about. $50,000 later i'm realizing i blew it.
-my job is the most frustrating place in the world, & that's a novel in itself.
-my friends' lives are all falling into place, while i feel like mine is always falling apart.


SCHOOL:
i started at FIDM almost two years ago feeling like i had finally found my calling.
five weeks into my first quarter, i realized i was wrong.
i cried a lot.
i was stressed out.
i started having anxiety attacks.
needless to say, it was a messy situation. i felt like since i had already started it, i needed to finish.
BAD IDEA.
so four quarters later i finally change my major.
only to find out i was wrong again.
i'm swimming in student loans & i feel like i've come to a dead end.
talking to my parents terrifies me.
so i'm freaking out.


WORK:
i work at a law firm that specializes in load re-modifications.
these types of firms have always caught a lot of flack because they tend to rip people off.
i always had faith in the company i work for until recently.
aside from being outrageously underpaid for all i'm responsible for,
i feel like i work for one of those firms that rips people off.
i work for a lazy, fat slob of a woman who pushes all of her work onto one other assistant & me.
she does nothing, so it seems, all day long & when something goes wrong, i'm usually the first one blamed for it.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE MY FRUSTRATION.
so there's that.


FRIENDS:
i'm so proud of all my friends. they're all working towards something great & i love to see them all progress.
i only wish i could say the same for myself.
from my feelings about school, to the hell-hole i work at, i feel my life is just going in circles.
my friends are graduating, getting REAL jobs, getting MARRIED. 
none of these things are even fathomable for me.

glad i could get all that off my chest.

just sayin'.

'The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.' -- Thomas Jefferson

You cannot multiply the wealth by dividing it.

wishes.

i wish i was unemployed & rich.

i wish my hair would grow.

i wish i was done with school already.

i wish i didn't work full time.

i wish i lived somewhere cool.

i wish it was my birthday.

i wish my job didn't SUCK!

i wish my friends were single, sorry boys.

i wish i could sleep in.

i wish it was Summer.

typical monday.

it all started with a startling wake-up text from my boss, Sharon, who was "sick" today. she seems to be sick a lot & whenever she is sick, which is more often than not, i get stuck with a load of work that is just plain outrageous. but this is beside the point of my story. i get to work, & before i even walk in the door it's a total S&%# storm. if you know anything about me & where i work, you'll know that there's never a day that the shit DOESN'T hit the fan.
but that, too, is beside the point of my story.
so all day i'm stackin' chips & crackin' skulls. just a day in the life, ya know? every FIVE seconds someone walks into the cubicle THAT I SHARE...yes, i share a CUBICLE...with some big issue or complaint or gossip or WHAT THE HECK EVER that they HAVE to share with me. i feel almost like the office shrink, or something.
this too, besides the point.


OKAY SO FINALLY.
it's six o'clock. time to punch out & go home.
suddenly, i realize,
'Hey, it's monday night. I'm gonna go to Monday Nights!' 


(Monday Nights Live at Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa is a Bible study that has had a huge impact on my life over the past year & a half.)


just as i decide i'm gonna go, the owner of the firm i work for says,
"Hey Caity! I need you to help me move the entire accounting office into the new office...right now."


whaaaaat? really? ugh. okay.
so i move all sorts of things into a dusty room that still reeks of cigarettes from the ladies who worked in there previously.


it's 7:00pm.
service starts at 7:30pm.
i'm in Ontario.

church is in Costa Mesa.
& i need to get gas.
there's no way right?
WRONG!


i start driving out there & before i know it, i'm driving next to the Pond & it's only 7:16pm.
WHAT?!!??!!?!?!! how in the HECK did i get from Ontario to Anaheim in FIFTEEN MINUTES?!?!?!


i SWEAR that when i need to be somewhere important, & i'm running late, God slows down time for me. it's not the first time he's done this either.


but that's not all.
i'm about to get off on Fairview when out of nowhere my POS car makes this horrific noise that scares me into almost crashing. for the next two miles, i'm DRAGGING something beneath my feet & i can FEEL it.


like REALLY? i made it all the way out here & NOW you're gonna die on me?


i pull into church, pissed. more than pissed. LIVID.
go inside, can't seem to get UNpissed. UNlivid.


(did i forget to mention i was sitting inside the church at 7:32pm? yeah. awesome.)


as soon as worship starts, everything fades back to the way i felt before my car took a crap.
just as it should be. i'm calm, i'm collected, i'm ready to hear what Pastor Garid has to say.
EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS COMPLETELY RELATED TO ME & MY LIFE.
almost as if he knew.

"There is a warfare that goes on in the life of the believer. 

Once the spirit has come alive, now there comes this striving for the mastery of me. 

Will I be mastered by the spirit or will I be mastered by the flesh?"- Pastor Chuck Smith

it's mind blowing how much i let my flesh influence how i live my life.

instead of doing what i know i SHOULD do, i do only what i want to do.

whether it be getting up early for work, or skipping a rager or doing my homework

BEFORE the day it's due, i always WANT to pick the one i know is hazardous.

i sleep in til 8:30 when i have to be at work at 9:00. i go to the ragers! I PROCRASTINATE!

it's about time i let the Spirit master me completely.

so to sum up this completely unnecessarily long blog, my life is a constant battle between good & evil.

it's like God is Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Triple H? Suck it? Anybody?) & Satan is this cute little puppy that just wants

to cuddle but then God says "SUCK IT!" & kicks the puppy. little do i know, that puppy has RABIES! & is trying to INFECT ME!

Triple H knew...but i didn't...& 
he saved me? okay this weird. basically what i'm trying to say is that as much as what i WANT to do

seems so cute & cuddly, & what i NEED to do seems so mean & sweaty, i have to be lead by the Spirit.

this makes NO sense.

hopefully you can figure out the jist of what i mean here.

luck be a lady.

there are some people in this life that just exude positivity & happiness. zachary is one of those people :) having known each other for about six years, we have just recently started spending time together on the regular. the reason i have decided to dedicate this blog to him, is because i couldn't be more pleased that he will be moving to NYC with my baby sister in the fall. he & my sister have just been accepted into PACE University & will be starting there in september. as sad & scared as i am to see her go, i know she'll be in good hands with a friend like him by her side. they are the same person separated into two different bodies, it's crazy. whenever zach is over, it's a nonstop musical. he sings everything, he dances to everything & he's loud...really loud. i love this kid like he's family! & i'm so excited to see him & my sister grow into amazing performers together. L0v3 y0u z4chii33 p00<333 ;) haha

onehundredandtenpercent.

i'm a sucker for surprises. i like to surprise people, i like to be surprised. the only thing, is that i find myself doing more surprising, than being surprised. I MEAN DON'T GET ME WRONG...i love it. but i can't help but compare this to every other aspect of my life.


examples? ok.


in friendships.
at work.
in relationships.
with my dog.
at school.
the upkeep of my room.
having nice things.


i've always been one to give 110% of myself to things i truly feel are worth it. some say my issue lies in that alone because i tend to think that everyone & everything is worth it. i have a natural, whole-hearted love for people & for some sick reason that seems to get me into trouble more often than not.


this is something i've tried to change for years.
not gonna happen.
all i can do is sit here & wait for it to really be worth it.

bones.

i was scared to call your mother
for news that you weren't getting better
my god, just what the hell am i supposed to do?
so i ran off, ran on to something
that i swore was everything but beautiful;





i only say that word for you.

lonely.

reckless.

marked by lack of proper caution;

careless of c o n s e q u e n c e s.

2009 was just that.

a complete disregard of rules & limits; regulations & boundaries.

making everyday an adventure & never once having a plan.

nights that went on forever & mornings that were almost impossible.

a freedom words couldn't do justice & a heart that just couldn't mend.

a time of mistakes & regrets; a time to laugh uncontrollably at these same mistakes.

now with 2010 in full swing, i can only look back in awe of what i've accomplished.

what were these awesome accomplishments, you might ask?

well, for one, coming to terms with something i'll never be able to change; being okay with it.

taking school seriously for the first time in my life & actually giving my parents a quarter grade report to brag about.

overcoming one of the most epic rejections i've endured to date (i don't think anyone, not even myself, will ever understand that one.)

but what i'm most proud of & am most grateful for, is the rekindling of a relationship that has truly changed my life in ways i can't describe.

You can have all this world,

Just give me Jesus.

though i know i fall short everyday of my life, & i say things i shouldn't say,

think things i shouldn't think, do things i shouldn't do, i am never without my Jesus.

i am one huge disappointment & i screw up more than i do right, but through it all,

He made my bright less slight. i am a constant work in progress,

but i can assure you i've never been happier :)

i don't know what 2010 holds for me.

but i'll stand here with my arms outs t r e t c h e d ;)

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