everything in its right place.

things could not be going any better for me :)
working in a field i know i belong in,
improving my craft everyday,
spending time with people i love the most.
everything is perfect.
with the exception of my little sister & best friend leaving for NYC, of course.
but even though the thought of living without my baby sister depresses me beyond words,
i couldn't be more thrilled for her! 
only 10 days until she's on a plane by herself going to her new home.
it's everything she's worked so hard towards.


on top of everything good happening to everyone in my family,
i have to say that the five of us have never been closer.
& that in itself is something to brag about.


good things on the horizon.
lots of good things.
praise be to God for all he has blessed me with! <3

Psalm 27

 ¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear? 
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?

 ² When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh, 
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.

 ³ Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident.

 ⁴ One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

 ⁵ For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.

 ⁶ Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.

 ⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
       be merciful to me and answer me.

 ⁸ My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
       Your face, LORD, I will seek.

 ⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
       do not turn your servant away in anger;
       you have been my helper.
       Do not reject me or forsake me,
       O God my Savior.

 ¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

 ¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD;
       lead me in a straight path
       because of my oppressors.

 ¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
       for false witnesses rise up against me,
       breathing out violence.

 ¹³ I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.

 ¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

kite on a string.

things have been a little rocky over here lately.
& i've definitely been keeping everything on the low-low.
so it's about time i update those of you who read this
on what's been going on.


first off, i've left FIDM.
this in itself is a lesson i learn time & time again.
no matter what plan i have for myself, or path i have set for myself,
God's plan is always ALWAYS so much bigger.
& even if at first i don't know why He's leading me the way he is,
i know eventually he'll allow me to see the big picture & i'll understand.
until then, i walk with child-like faith & trust that God allows everything to work
for my benefit.


moving on, since December 16, 2008 (the day i began walking with the Lord)
i've struggled with so many things.
-partying
-swearing
-lust
mostly the normal things we struggle with.
Satan knows what my weaknesses are & LET ME TELL YOU he doesn't hold back one bit.
i feel like i'm finally maturing enough to turn away from these things completely.
it's taken so long for me to feel secure in my walk & to just let God take control.
recently, while at church, my Pastor read this verse & it really tugged at my heart.


Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity & passing over 
the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? 
He does not retain His anger forever, because he delights in mercy. 
He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. 
You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. 
Micah 7:18-19


i'm amazed at the mercy of God, & that no matter what i do, or how bad i screw up,
or how many times i scream racist obscenities at people while driving...


...He still loves me.
He will CAST ALL MY SINS into the depths of the sea.
it's mind-blowing. 


so since reading this, it's made me want to love like Christ loves me.
i've been trying to let go of grudges & pray for people who have hurt me.
it's the hardest freakin thing i've ever done, but so necessary.


lastly, i've come to realize that Satan's #1 way of making me hate my life,
is making me feel alone. like i have no one in the world but myself & Charles.
(not to say i don't absolutely love my Charles)
i've never had problems making friends.
where i do have problems is finding a group of friends who all love the Lord.
& who will influence me to do the right thing, as well as discourage me from
doing things i shouldn't.
whenever i feel like i'm getting close to finding that group, it's gone.


again i must trust that God will bring people into my life that will
draw me even closer to Him. that's all i really want, anyway.

working for a paycheck.

i've always been pretty independent. 

i don't really need friends, & i especially have NEVER needed to have a boyfriend.

to be honest i've always preferred being single because of all the garbage you have to put up with.

i like to do WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT without having to report to someone.

as soon as a guy starts invading my space, or texting me at all hours of the day/night, i'm out.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

i love my friends! they're the coolest people i know.

& DON'T GET ME WRONG.

there's something magical about relationships & love & all that.

& maybe i just haven't experienced that magic yet.

but as far as i know, being single isn't as bad as it's made out to be.

i've recently seen a lot couples go through break ups.

they're both devastated.

disappointed.

feeling like failures.

blah blah blah, i get it. i've been there.

what i DON'T get is how some of these people can't STAY single.

they rebound into another relationship 

until their previous spouse is ready

to give it another go.

& if they're not rebounding, they're complaining & whining on

Facebook about how sad & lonely they are.

i've always thought that you must be comfortable & secure in yourself

before you ever will be with anyone else.

perhaps i'm too comfortable with being alone.

or maybe i'm just really smart & i'm waiting for someone who's

ACTUALLY WORTH the blood, sweat & tears that come with the relationship.

i don't want to spend years of my life putting effort into something only to find out it wasn't right.

that being said, i want to also say that i'm 

BEYOND excited for the day i meet my husband.

i think about it all the time.

your last FIRST kiss.

finally experiencing that "You just know." feeling.

looking at that person & knowing that 50 years from now you're still

going to be falling asleep next to them & waking up next to them.

there's something so beautiful about a commitment made between 

two people, to love each other until their last breath.

through all the good times, especially through the bad times.

in sickness & in health.

for all the days of your life! that's a lot of days! (Lord willing.)

there is nothing special about jumping from relationship to relationship.

wasting all those special feelings & emotions on someone who you don't intend to keep around for long.

saying "I love you" to just anyone.

my love is worth more than that.

& the person who gets it will be one lucky man :)

until then, i will wait in anticipation.

& to whoever you are, i already love you.

just when i thought i said all i could say.

1. i love the Jonas Brothers.
2. McDonald's is GREAT & the haters can suck it.
3. i have tanorexia & it might be the death of me.
4. whenever i hear the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus i smile so big it's out of this world.
5. ranch is good on EVERYTHING. yes, everything.
6. i'm really good at pretending to be busy. that's why i'm still employed.
7. i have an addictive personality. my current drug of choice: Kitten Jump!
8. i sleep with my macbook/iPhone like it's a person.
9. i eat my feelings.
10. the only thing cool about me is my bomb tasting cupcakes






these are my confesssiiionnnsssss.

vent.

i have a tendency to hold things in.
i keep my feelings bottled up inside me until one day i just EXPLODE.
i've been doing this recently.


i get really frustrated when i feel like i put forth effort
& get nothing in return.
i do everything i can to make the people i love happy,
but when it comes to doing the same for me, i get short-changed.


lately, i've been feeling down on myself.
-i'm going to school for something i couldn't care less about. $50,000 later i'm realizing i blew it.
-my job is the most frustrating place in the world, & that's a novel in itself.
-my friends' lives are all falling into place, while i feel like mine is always falling apart.


SCHOOL:
i started at FIDM almost two years ago feeling like i had finally found my calling.
five weeks into my first quarter, i realized i was wrong.
i cried a lot.
i was stressed out.
i started having anxiety attacks.
needless to say, it was a messy situation. i felt like since i had already started it, i needed to finish.
BAD IDEA.
so four quarters later i finally change my major.
only to find out i was wrong again.
i'm swimming in student loans & i feel like i've come to a dead end.
talking to my parents terrifies me.
so i'm freaking out.


WORK:
i work at a law firm that specializes in load re-modifications.
these types of firms have always caught a lot of flack because they tend to rip people off.
i always had faith in the company i work for until recently.
aside from being outrageously underpaid for all i'm responsible for,
i feel like i work for one of those firms that rips people off.
i work for a lazy, fat slob of a woman who pushes all of her work onto one other assistant & me.
she does nothing, so it seems, all day long & when something goes wrong, i'm usually the first one blamed for it.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE MY FRUSTRATION.
so there's that.


FRIENDS:
i'm so proud of all my friends. they're all working towards something great & i love to see them all progress.
i only wish i could say the same for myself.
from my feelings about school, to the hell-hole i work at, i feel my life is just going in circles.
my friends are graduating, getting REAL jobs, getting MARRIED. 
none of these things are even fathomable for me.

glad i could get all that off my chest.

just sayin'.

'The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.' -- Thomas Jefferson

You cannot multiply the wealth by dividing it.

wishes.

i wish i was unemployed & rich.

i wish my hair would grow.

i wish i was done with school already.

i wish i didn't work full time.

i wish i lived somewhere cool.

i wish it was my birthday.

i wish my job didn't SUCK!

i wish my friends were single, sorry boys.

i wish i could sleep in.

i wish it was Summer.

typical monday.

it all started with a startling wake-up text from my boss, Sharon, who was "sick" today. she seems to be sick a lot & whenever she is sick, which is more often than not, i get stuck with a load of work that is just plain outrageous. but this is beside the point of my story. i get to work, & before i even walk in the door it's a total S&%# storm. if you know anything about me & where i work, you'll know that there's never a day that the shit DOESN'T hit the fan.
but that, too, is beside the point of my story.
so all day i'm stackin' chips & crackin' skulls. just a day in the life, ya know? every FIVE seconds someone walks into the cubicle THAT I SHARE...yes, i share a CUBICLE...with some big issue or complaint or gossip or WHAT THE HECK EVER that they HAVE to share with me. i feel almost like the office shrink, or something.
this too, besides the point.


OKAY SO FINALLY.
it's six o'clock. time to punch out & go home.
suddenly, i realize,
'Hey, it's monday night. I'm gonna go to Monday Nights!' 


(Monday Nights Live at Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa is a Bible study that has had a huge impact on my life over the past year & a half.)


just as i decide i'm gonna go, the owner of the firm i work for says,
"Hey Caity! I need you to help me move the entire accounting office into the new office...right now."


whaaaaat? really? ugh. okay.
so i move all sorts of things into a dusty room that still reeks of cigarettes from the ladies who worked in there previously.


it's 7:00pm.
service starts at 7:30pm.
i'm in Ontario.

church is in Costa Mesa.
& i need to get gas.
there's no way right?
WRONG!


i start driving out there & before i know it, i'm driving next to the Pond & it's only 7:16pm.
WHAT?!!??!!?!?!! how in the HECK did i get from Ontario to Anaheim in FIFTEEN MINUTES?!?!?!


i SWEAR that when i need to be somewhere important, & i'm running late, God slows down time for me. it's not the first time he's done this either.


but that's not all.
i'm about to get off on Fairview when out of nowhere my POS car makes this horrific noise that scares me into almost crashing. for the next two miles, i'm DRAGGING something beneath my feet & i can FEEL it.


like REALLY? i made it all the way out here & NOW you're gonna die on me?


i pull into church, pissed. more than pissed. LIVID.
go inside, can't seem to get UNpissed. UNlivid.


(did i forget to mention i was sitting inside the church at 7:32pm? yeah. awesome.)


as soon as worship starts, everything fades back to the way i felt before my car took a crap.
just as it should be. i'm calm, i'm collected, i'm ready to hear what Pastor Garid has to say.
EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS COMPLETELY RELATED TO ME & MY LIFE.
almost as if he knew.

"There is a warfare that goes on in the life of the believer. 

Once the spirit has come alive, now there comes this striving for the mastery of me. 

Will I be mastered by the spirit or will I be mastered by the flesh?"- Pastor Chuck Smith

it's mind blowing how much i let my flesh influence how i live my life.

instead of doing what i know i SHOULD do, i do only what i want to do.

whether it be getting up early for work, or skipping a rager or doing my homework

BEFORE the day it's due, i always WANT to pick the one i know is hazardous.

i sleep in til 8:30 when i have to be at work at 9:00. i go to the ragers! I PROCRASTINATE!

it's about time i let the Spirit master me completely.

so to sum up this completely unnecessarily long blog, my life is a constant battle between good & evil.

it's like God is Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Triple H? Suck it? Anybody?) & Satan is this cute little puppy that just wants

to cuddle but then God says "SUCK IT!" & kicks the puppy. little do i know, that puppy has RABIES! & is trying to INFECT ME!

Triple H knew...but i didn't...& 
he saved me? okay this weird. basically what i'm trying to say is that as much as what i WANT to do

seems so cute & cuddly, & what i NEED to do seems so mean & sweaty, i have to be lead by the Spirit.

this makes NO sense.

hopefully you can figure out the jist of what i mean here.

luck be a lady.

there are some people in this life that just exude positivity & happiness. zachary is one of those people :) having known each other for about six years, we have just recently started spending time together on the regular. the reason i have decided to dedicate this blog to him, is because i couldn't be more pleased that he will be moving to NYC with my baby sister in the fall. he & my sister have just been accepted into PACE University & will be starting there in september. as sad & scared as i am to see her go, i know she'll be in good hands with a friend like him by her side. they are the same person separated into two different bodies, it's crazy. whenever zach is over, it's a nonstop musical. he sings everything, he dances to everything & he's loud...really loud. i love this kid like he's family! & i'm so excited to see him & my sister grow into amazing performers together. L0v3 y0u z4chii33 p00<333 ;) haha

onehundredandtenpercent.

i'm a sucker for surprises. i like to surprise people, i like to be surprised. the only thing, is that i find myself doing more surprising, than being surprised. I MEAN DON'T GET ME WRONG...i love it. but i can't help but compare this to every other aspect of my life.


examples? ok.


in friendships.
at work.
in relationships.
with my dog.
at school.
the upkeep of my room.
having nice things.


i've always been one to give 110% of myself to things i truly feel are worth it. some say my issue lies in that alone because i tend to think that everyone & everything is worth it. i have a natural, whole-hearted love for people & for some sick reason that seems to get me into trouble more often than not.


this is something i've tried to change for years.
not gonna happen.
all i can do is sit here & wait for it to really be worth it.

bones.

i was scared to call your mother
for news that you weren't getting better
my god, just what the hell am i supposed to do?
so i ran off, ran on to something
that i swore was everything but beautiful;





i only say that word for you.

lonely.

reckless.

marked by lack of proper caution;

careless of c o n s e q u e n c e s.

2009 was just that.

a complete disregard of rules & limits; regulations & boundaries.

making everyday an adventure & never once having a plan.

nights that went on forever & mornings that were almost impossible.

a freedom words couldn't do justice & a heart that just couldn't mend.

a time of mistakes & regrets; a time to laugh uncontrollably at these same mistakes.

now with 2010 in full swing, i can only look back in awe of what i've accomplished.

what were these awesome accomplishments, you might ask?

well, for one, coming to terms with something i'll never be able to change; being okay with it.

taking school seriously for the first time in my life & actually giving my parents a quarter grade report to brag about.

overcoming one of the most epic rejections i've endured to date (i don't think anyone, not even myself, will ever understand that one.)

but what i'm most proud of & am most grateful for, is the rekindling of a relationship that has truly changed my life in ways i can't describe.

You can have all this world,

Just give me Jesus.

though i know i fall short everyday of my life, & i say things i shouldn't say,

think things i shouldn't think, do things i shouldn't do, i am never without my Jesus.

i am one huge disappointment & i screw up more than i do right, but through it all,

He made my bright less slight. i am a constant work in progress,

but i can assure you i've never been happier :)

i don't know what 2010 holds for me.

but i'll stand here with my arms outs t r e t c h e d ;)

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