everything in its right place.

things could not be going any better for me :)
working in a field i know i belong in,
improving my craft everyday,
spending time with people i love the most.
everything is perfect.
with the exception of my little sister & best friend leaving for NYC, of course.
but even though the thought of living without my baby sister depresses me beyond words,
i couldn't be more thrilled for her! 
only 10 days until she's on a plane by herself going to her new home.
it's everything she's worked so hard towards.


on top of everything good happening to everyone in my family,
i have to say that the five of us have never been closer.
& that in itself is something to brag about.


good things on the horizon.
lots of good things.
praise be to God for all he has blessed me with! <3

Psalm 27

 ¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear? 
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?

 ² When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh, 
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.

 ³ Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident.

 ⁴ One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.

 ⁵ For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.

 ⁶ Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.

 ⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
       be merciful to me and answer me.

 ⁸ My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
       Your face, LORD, I will seek.

 ⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
       do not turn your servant away in anger;
       you have been my helper.
       Do not reject me or forsake me,
       O God my Savior.

 ¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

 ¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD;
       lead me in a straight path
       because of my oppressors.

 ¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
       for false witnesses rise up against me,
       breathing out violence.

 ¹³ I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.

 ¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

kite on a string.

things have been a little rocky over here lately.
& i've definitely been keeping everything on the low-low.
so it's about time i update those of you who read this
on what's been going on.


first off, i've left FIDM.
this in itself is a lesson i learn time & time again.
no matter what plan i have for myself, or path i have set for myself,
God's plan is always ALWAYS so much bigger.
& even if at first i don't know why He's leading me the way he is,
i know eventually he'll allow me to see the big picture & i'll understand.
until then, i walk with child-like faith & trust that God allows everything to work
for my benefit.


moving on, since December 16, 2008 (the day i began walking with the Lord)
i've struggled with so many things.
-partying
-swearing
-lust
mostly the normal things we struggle with.
Satan knows what my weaknesses are & LET ME TELL YOU he doesn't hold back one bit.
i feel like i'm finally maturing enough to turn away from these things completely.
it's taken so long for me to feel secure in my walk & to just let God take control.
recently, while at church, my Pastor read this verse & it really tugged at my heart.


Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity & passing over 
the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? 
He does not retain His anger forever, because he delights in mercy. 
He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. 
You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. 
Micah 7:18-19


i'm amazed at the mercy of God, & that no matter what i do, or how bad i screw up,
or how many times i scream racist obscenities at people while driving...


...He still loves me.
He will CAST ALL MY SINS into the depths of the sea.
it's mind-blowing. 


so since reading this, it's made me want to love like Christ loves me.
i've been trying to let go of grudges & pray for people who have hurt me.
it's the hardest freakin thing i've ever done, but so necessary.


lastly, i've come to realize that Satan's #1 way of making me hate my life,
is making me feel alone. like i have no one in the world but myself & Charles.
(not to say i don't absolutely love my Charles)
i've never had problems making friends.
where i do have problems is finding a group of friends who all love the Lord.
& who will influence me to do the right thing, as well as discourage me from
doing things i shouldn't.
whenever i feel like i'm getting close to finding that group, it's gone.


again i must trust that God will bring people into my life that will
draw me even closer to Him. that's all i really want, anyway.

working for a paycheck.

i've always been pretty independent. 

i don't really need friends, & i especially have NEVER needed to have a boyfriend.

to be honest i've always preferred being single because of all the garbage you have to put up with.

i like to do WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT without having to report to someone.

as soon as a guy starts invading my space, or texting me at all hours of the day/night, i'm out.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

i love my friends! they're the coolest people i know.

& DON'T GET ME WRONG.

there's something magical about relationships & love & all that.

& maybe i just haven't experienced that magic yet.

but as far as i know, being single isn't as bad as it's made out to be.

i've recently seen a lot couples go through break ups.

they're both devastated.

disappointed.

feeling like failures.

blah blah blah, i get it. i've been there.

what i DON'T get is how some of these people can't STAY single.

they rebound into another relationship 

until their previous spouse is ready

to give it another go.

& if they're not rebounding, they're complaining & whining on

Facebook about how sad & lonely they are.

i've always thought that you must be comfortable & secure in yourself

before you ever will be with anyone else.

perhaps i'm too comfortable with being alone.

or maybe i'm just really smart & i'm waiting for someone who's

ACTUALLY WORTH the blood, sweat & tears that come with the relationship.

i don't want to spend years of my life putting effort into something only to find out it wasn't right.

that being said, i want to also say that i'm 

BEYOND excited for the day i meet my husband.

i think about it all the time.

your last FIRST kiss.

finally experiencing that "You just know." feeling.

looking at that person & knowing that 50 years from now you're still

going to be falling asleep next to them & waking up next to them.

there's something so beautiful about a commitment made between 

two people, to love each other until their last breath.

through all the good times, especially through the bad times.

in sickness & in health.

for all the days of your life! that's a lot of days! (Lord willing.)

there is nothing special about jumping from relationship to relationship.

wasting all those special feelings & emotions on someone who you don't intend to keep around for long.

saying "I love you" to just anyone.

my love is worth more than that.

& the person who gets it will be one lucky man :)

until then, i will wait in anticipation.

& to whoever you are, i already love you.

just when i thought i said all i could say.

1. i love the Jonas Brothers.
2. McDonald's is GREAT & the haters can suck it.
3. i have tanorexia & it might be the death of me.
4. whenever i hear the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus i smile so big it's out of this world.
5. ranch is good on EVERYTHING. yes, everything.
6. i'm really good at pretending to be busy. that's why i'm still employed.
7. i have an addictive personality. my current drug of choice: Kitten Jump!
8. i sleep with my macbook/iPhone like it's a person.
9. i eat my feelings.
10. the only thing cool about me is my bomb tasting cupcakes






these are my confesssiiionnnsssss.

vent.

i have a tendency to hold things in.
i keep my feelings bottled up inside me until one day i just EXPLODE.
i've been doing this recently.


i get really frustrated when i feel like i put forth effort
& get nothing in return.
i do everything i can to make the people i love happy,
but when it comes to doing the same for me, i get short-changed.


lately, i've been feeling down on myself.
-i'm going to school for something i couldn't care less about. $50,000 later i'm realizing i blew it.
-my job is the most frustrating place in the world, & that's a novel in itself.
-my friends' lives are all falling into place, while i feel like mine is always falling apart.


SCHOOL:
i started at FIDM almost two years ago feeling like i had finally found my calling.
five weeks into my first quarter, i realized i was wrong.
i cried a lot.
i was stressed out.
i started having anxiety attacks.
needless to say, it was a messy situation. i felt like since i had already started it, i needed to finish.
BAD IDEA.
so four quarters later i finally change my major.
only to find out i was wrong again.
i'm swimming in student loans & i feel like i've come to a dead end.
talking to my parents terrifies me.
so i'm freaking out.


WORK:
i work at a law firm that specializes in load re-modifications.
these types of firms have always caught a lot of flack because they tend to rip people off.
i always had faith in the company i work for until recently.
aside from being outrageously underpaid for all i'm responsible for,
i feel like i work for one of those firms that rips people off.
i work for a lazy, fat slob of a woman who pushes all of her work onto one other assistant & me.
she does nothing, so it seems, all day long & when something goes wrong, i'm usually the first one blamed for it.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE MY FRUSTRATION.
so there's that.


FRIENDS:
i'm so proud of all my friends. they're all working towards something great & i love to see them all progress.
i only wish i could say the same for myself.
from my feelings about school, to the hell-hole i work at, i feel my life is just going in circles.
my friends are graduating, getting REAL jobs, getting MARRIED. 
none of these things are even fathomable for me.

glad i could get all that off my chest.

just sayin'.

'The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.' -- Thomas Jefferson

You cannot multiply the wealth by dividing it.