vent.

i have a tendency to hold things in.
i keep my feelings bottled up inside me until one day i just EXPLODE.
i've been doing this recently.


i get really frustrated when i feel like i put forth effort
& get nothing in return.
i do everything i can to make the people i love happy,
but when it comes to doing the same for me, i get short-changed.


lately, i've been feeling down on myself.
-i'm going to school for something i couldn't care less about. $50,000 later i'm realizing i blew it.
-my job is the most frustrating place in the world, & that's a novel in itself.
-my friends' lives are all falling into place, while i feel like mine is always falling apart.


SCHOOL:
i started at FIDM almost two years ago feeling like i had finally found my calling.
five weeks into my first quarter, i realized i was wrong.
i cried a lot.
i was stressed out.
i started having anxiety attacks.
needless to say, it was a messy situation. i felt like since i had already started it, i needed to finish.
BAD IDEA.
so four quarters later i finally change my major.
only to find out i was wrong again.
i'm swimming in student loans & i feel like i've come to a dead end.
talking to my parents terrifies me.
so i'm freaking out.


WORK:
i work at a law firm that specializes in load re-modifications.
these types of firms have always caught a lot of flack because they tend to rip people off.
i always had faith in the company i work for until recently.
aside from being outrageously underpaid for all i'm responsible for,
i feel like i work for one of those firms that rips people off.
i work for a lazy, fat slob of a woman who pushes all of her work onto one other assistant & me.
she does nothing, so it seems, all day long & when something goes wrong, i'm usually the first one blamed for it.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE MY FRUSTRATION.
so there's that.


FRIENDS:
i'm so proud of all my friends. they're all working towards something great & i love to see them all progress.
i only wish i could say the same for myself.
from my feelings about school, to the hell-hole i work at, i feel my life is just going in circles.
my friends are graduating, getting REAL jobs, getting MARRIED. 
none of these things are even fathomable for me.

glad i could get all that off my chest.